Dear Diary

Well, Microsoft… It’s you and me again. Definitely not the first and I doubt the last time I will have nobody to listen and let me just vent and allow me to feel without telling me I’m wrong or that things shouldn’t bother me. Oh wait, I’m not entitled to the same rights as anyone I encounter. I have to be robotic with my responses and feelings as if I’m programmed to tell others what they want to hear. God forbid anything I say, do or think cause anyone else to open their minds a little. That’s too much effort on such a pee-on like myself. I’m unworthy of human rights.

My boyfriend has been constantly shutting down my feelings and whenever I’ve confronted him with hurting my feelings, he’s reversed it to make it out to be like I’m the one in the wrong. Not a single person who is negative toward me ever acknowledges the way I’m treated overall. I’m treated like shit by everyone. Except for my daughter. Maybe that’s why she treats me so nicely. Maybe she sees that everyone is negative toward me, so she tries to balance it out.

I often feel like I don’t need to be here, but I know I do for her. But it’s so painful being the most hated and beat down person I know. It’s painful panicking every day.

My boyfriend doesn’t seem to understand that after opening up to my ex-fiance for 4 years just to be thrown away makes it nearly impossible to open those doors for another person. I trusted my ex entirely. But then he spiraled and it’s been killing me ever since. I no longer have much left of me. I’m emptying as each day goes by and nobody seems to be able to show the ability to nurture when it comes to me. Sure, my boyfriend nurtures momentarily until I express feelings that he takes as attacks. Then he wonders why I can’t open up. Between a bad history of opening up to people and my boyfriend taking as an attack literally every single time I open up to him, I can’t possibly let him in. He needs to put an effort into giving me a reason to trust him and he can start by not thinking he’s right all the time or that his word is gold. Everything I say, he treats as if I’m retarded and naïve when I’ve found a lot of the things he says to be faulty, but if confronted about that, he will deny the ability for his word to be less credible than a professional in whatever field it is he’s on a subject about.

I’m also getting really tired of him parenting my child. She’s mine. I get that he’s trying to help, but he’s starting to step over my authority and he hasn’t earned that privilege. He didn’t go through the hard work it took to get her this far, so why does he get to outweigh my authority. I hate when he starts acting like he thinks he’s some kind of God. Then he’ll act like he can compromise and listen until he can’t put up the façade anymore and then he becomes God again. I really am completely alone….

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