I Hate Me

I shouldn’t be allowed to exist. I’m such a piece of shit anymore. I’m nothing like I used to be. I used to be ambitious. I used to be a good parent. I used to have a good memory. My morals were in-tact. I knew what I wanted and how to get it the right way. I didn’t hurt every day. I didn’t hurt anyone else, either.

Now, I’ve destroyed everything and I likely deserve the suffering I experience. I hate me. I deserve nothing good. Especially because of how shitty of a parent I’ve been. I’m disappointed in the blob of grossness I’ve become. I’m never going to amount to even half of the person I was and even then, I still had a lot in need of improvement. Now, I fail at everything. I fail every single day as a parent, a daughter, a granddaughter, a sister and a friend. I’ve destroyed relationships that meant the world to me. I’ve destroyed my daughter. I’ve destroyed myself.

 I’m worthless and I don’t feel like I’m ever going to get better or be a better parent or person. I’m disgusting. I don’t want to die because my daughter would hurt, but I do wish I didn’t exist in the first place. My daughter is the sole reason I push forward and I fail her the most. I shouldn’t be here. I should have died before she had to suffer the reality of having me as a mother. I’m shit.

I’m hopeless and useless and helpless. I’m an idiot. I’m selfish and inconsiderate. I’m a bad mom. I’m a bad person. I hate me. Everything hurts and I hurt everything.

What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I fix it? How do I fix me? She needs me to fix me and I can’t fix me. I don’t know how. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know me anymore.

What’s happened? How can one slam of my head to a steering wheel change my entire reality? That’s not possible. It means life is too fragile and in such a fragile life, that means I may never do any good for anyone. But my daughter needs me to. And I want to be there. But how?

 I don’t want to hurt her anymore. I don’t want her to grow up feeling like I wasn’t there. I’m not there. I’m an absent parent under the same roof. How do I change that? How do I get better? I hate me.

And I don’t want to draw attention to how pathetic I am and burden those around me with it. I seriously hate me.

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