5 years

I’ve been in love with you for 5 years… it doesn’t stop there. Life has taken us everywhere and we’re still here, but barely. I can’t let you go. I never will. The day we met, I saw perfection and, even today, in all your flaws, I still do. Not one day has passed that you’ve not been at the very forefront of my mind. You mean more to me than you will ever know. It’s more than I can find words for. I’ve told you this once or twice, but how can you accept something I can’t explain?
In these 5 years, we’ve been pulled at from every limb without any signs of it stopping… until now. And only the first year were we granted hope. Despite it’s 1:5 ratio, it’s a hope big enough to at least break even regardless of time because we have somehow been unable to let it go. There’s more to this than we are aware of. I don’t think we’re blind to what’s real. I know this is real. I know you’re real. You’re my home even when I wandered off for 4 years getting lost in a drug addiction that took me until last week to realize the severity of its damage. I’ll never stop being sorry for that because I know I’m the reason why we haven’t made it yet. I’m the reason I’ve got very little of your heart to hold onto. I’m the reason we’ve almost fallen apart. I can’t explain the amount of regret I have for causing this. I know you can’t forgive me yet. I can’t forgive me yet and it will be a long time before I can. I will never blame you if you never do. I doubt I ever will, especially if I lose my best friend to this.
You truly are my best friend. You have always completed me. I didn’t know what feeling complete felt like until you. I didn’t believe in soul mates until we started talking about James Patterson and Earl Gray tea. I’m stuck on you. I always have been. I just wish I never let a drug get in the way of you seeing that.
In the midst of my addiction, we experienced all of these shortcomings and I thought the world was trying to tear us apart. Why would the world want to tear apart something so rare, so beautiful, so perfect? We share a unique bond that, in my most fantastic dreams, I couldn’t have conjured up a magic like this… a magic I almost broke and I’m terrified that I succeeded. It wasn’t the world… it was me. It was my addiction to something that holds no value costing us and our kids the most valuable things in existence: our bond, our love, our hope, our strength, our souls. Every single day, I’m desperate to repair the damage because if I lose you, I lose everything: my hope, my faith, my happiness will all be gone without my best friend and soul mate. I still fall in love with you every day and I made you feel like you were alone because the real me hasn’t been at my surface. A numb, distant, silent, nearly dead version of me has been in control for 4 years and it’s just now that I am able to see it. That’s enough in itself to make me hate that drug and this last relapse made me hate it more because of the disappointment I saw on your face.
I thought it was no big deal. To me, it wasn’t. I got right back on track, but in the process, I took your hope in exchange for a day of successful completion of housework. I’d mess the house up to give your hope back, but I know that won’t fix it. It will just make me miserable and negative, which will, in turn, cost you more hope… hope we’re barely able to hold onto now.
I know it’s asking for a lot, but please don’t give up on me now. Though, I can’t say I’d blame you if you did. I don’t want to lose you. One of my worst fears is losing you and that fear is in my face now, screaming at me to straighten up. For you, I’d do anything. If a bag results in that painful look of disappointment I saw on your face, it isn’t worth it anymore. I don’t want anything to do with it if that’s the price. I can’t afford that price. I can’t spend your hope like that. You mean too much to me and my goal is to give you hope, not take it from you. If I lose you, life will be empty. Every day will bleed into the next again and I’ll be living to raise her just waiting until she doesn’t need me anymore so I can die because life is too painful feeling that sort of emptiness. I can’t feel complete without you. You’re my peace. You’re my home. You’re my sanctuary. You make me want to be a better person… like the person I was when you fell in love with me. My next step is to put my all into being better and clear-minded so I can restore our hope and hopefully one day, I’ll finally get to marry you so we can go home. By that, I mean we can fall asleep in each other’s arms each night like we’ve been longing for for 5 years.
I can say that the days can’t pass by fast enough so I can show you that this isn’t temporary. I don’t want to fail you again. I don’t want you to lose hope. I want your love. I want you. You’re perfect to me. You’re perfect for me. I wish I could make up to you everything I destroyed. I won’t stop trying to until it kills me. I’m on the verge of losing the man who changed my life for the better and made it beautiful and unique. You are everything I could ever dream of in a partner. How could I have been so stupid to put our love at risk like I did? I love you and I’m really, really sorry. Please let me try again to prove to you that you really do mean enough to me to leave the drug in my past. You’re worth the struggle and pains of quitting. I’m sorry I failed you. I just hope I never fail you again. I just want to make you happy. I love your smile. I love your laugh. I want to see them every day. Please let my try to again. Your smile makes my day worth it. The idea that one day I can hold your hand again makes everything worth it. I’d give anything to hold you again. Hopefully, without the drug’s interference, the world will finally let me because I miss you more than you could possibly know. Or maybe you do. Don’t let go, yet.

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