Ah, you’ve made it to my main blog page… Good job!
Now, in order to arrive at your destination, you’ll need to take a left at Dork Avenue, travel three blocks by paddleboat until you arrive at Derpy Derp Boulevard.
Once you’ve reached the corner of Derpy Derp Boulevard, you’ll see a short woman in a flamingo suit wearing a Sombrero. This woman will be pointing North telling you to head South, but don’t listen to her. Go East and then West after you’ve taken seventeen steps toward Gotham City. Don’t get too excited, you’re still 3,554,678 steps away from Gotham City.
From here, you’re going to turn right on the corner of Stucco Street and Melbourne Parkway and keep walking backwards until you see SpiderMan dressed as a Furby holding an Easter Basket filled with what looks like raw diamonds. It’s not, though… It’s rice that’s been aging for a decade and a half, but it’s magical. Stick your hand in it… all the way. Get all up in that ancient rice. This is where you’ll find the key.
“What key?” you ask. Well… let me tell you… This key is the key of all keys! With it, you’ll become equipped with every brand of chocolate imaginable. Don’t eat that either. You’ll need it to fight the Queen of Shintuk.
In order to beat the Queen of Shintuk, you must entice her with the chocolate before bouncing the Stone of Underfoot off of her backside. If she twerks, you’ve defeated her and can walk through the golden doors located approximately 28 degrees from her forehead.
I’m sorry. What was that? “How do you obtain the Stone of Underfoot?” Come on, now, that one is self-explanatory…
Anyway, as you approach the doors, you’ll encounter a goblin who looks almost identical to Kirstie Alley until darkness falls upon their face, which will then give them the appearance of the banker at Gringott’s from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone after Harry discovers he’s a wizard. Don’t be fooled! It will tell you its name is Queen Latifah, but he’s a tricky one! He actually answers to Shanini during the Summer and Ice T or Fifi Jackson during Fall and Winter. In Spring, he’s always in the nude, so nobody talks to him… thus, his Spring name a mystery to all and will remain as such. When you guess his name, he will respond by giving birth to your first child.
You must then take your first-born child, without hesitation, and offer it as a sacrifice to the Rutabega of Wisdom. The Rutabega of Wisdom will then give you access to my magical buttons containing links to the different styles and subjects of writing I have posted on this website. Onward and good luck to ya!

Actually… the buttons are already at the top of this page… but you knew that, already, didn’t you? You, clever little devil, you…


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Don’t Eat the Chocolate!Don’t Eat the Chocolate!Don’t Eat the Chocolate!

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